why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
