Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
