Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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