im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
operation have a gay friend backfired
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
