Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize