how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize