Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
