its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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