He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
