omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
