Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
