If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
