At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
