Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
