I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize