Nicole vs. Life
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
