All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
