so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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