So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
