Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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