News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
