I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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