Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
