I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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