Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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