I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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