Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize