I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
