I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
