Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I checked into jail on foursquare
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
