last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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