this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My ass is underappreciated
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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