We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
