That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
