Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
