she is the kim kardashian of front butts
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
