So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
