There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize