I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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