So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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