My underwear smells like fireworks.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
