There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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