It's a beautiful day for a hangover
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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