Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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