I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
