Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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