Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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