Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize