non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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