I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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