I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
