What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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