It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
