Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
