I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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