Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
