I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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