Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
