Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
