is your mom at the bar?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
