I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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