Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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