The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
